The City of London is cracking down on public defecation

The City of London Corporation launched its anti-defecation campaign with great fanfare, the City of AM met with the King and BP did the hoeing; follow the City’s latest developments in this week’s The Capitalist

THE CITY OF LONDON HAS A PARTY

The City of London has long campaigned to establish itself as a recreational and financial destination, but there are signs it may be having a negative impact. While strolling the sunny Square Mile this week, The Capitalist was struck by the rather unusual, albeit hilarious, anti-defecation campaign carried out by the City of London Corporation in Cornhill. “Left outside this Christmas? £150 fine. Naughty list,” reads the billboard, which is illustrated with an image of Father Christmas (presumably created by AI) crouching on his sack.

Apparently, fighting back against party disruptors has become the Corporation’s main concern this year. In a document published in October, the agency said it was working on a “high-level initiative” aimed at reducing community urination linked to the night-time economy in the Square Mile, with 17 fixed penalty notices issued for such offenses between September 2023 and August 2025.

The campaign, tentatively called “Do it before you go”, focuses on “intervening at a critical time by encouraging visitors to use the toilets in pubs and bars before leaving, rather than relying on less effective on-site signage”. The Capitalists are urging Lord Peter Mandelson, who was recently photographed urinating on James Reed’s garden wall after a drunken dinner in George Osborne’s Notting Hill courtyard, to take note.

The notice further details a “minor project” carried out by officers on Fann Street, where the leaf-covered corner was reportedly a frequented spot by the indigent. The corporation said the site was “particularly problematic” due to a gap in the fence next to it, which allowed urine to flow freely into the yard of a nearby house, causing considerable “difficulty”. Therefore, in the final week of the Christmas party season, The Capitalist would like to remind all readers of their public duty to, please, keep celebrating.

KING CHARLES APPEARS

It probably won’t help Prince Harry’s fight to win personal security that The Capitalist caught up with King Charles who went incognito yesterday to a Christmas carol concert in the West End. Police said “he had just left” for St Martin-in-the-Fields with no outsiders or motorcade in sight; only four feeble officers were tasked with temporarily stopping passing pedestrians, although The Capitalist reckons we could have easily walked over and shaken his hand. We’re sure his surprise appearance brought joy to whoever ended up giving him a wicker donation basket. The late Queen was known to occasionally attend the theater in person. Once, he discovered someone else had taken his seat, which had been double booked. We really hope Charles has a quiet night, without any distractions.

BP PERFORMS HOEDOWN SETTLEMENT

With uncertain profits and the recent failed takeover of Shell, it’s been a tough year for BP. So The Capitalist was pleased to hear the oil giant was able to end its year with a dance in Chiswick. The multinational company chose West London honkytonk Lil Nashville for its offices for Christmas. Yes, we think.

CRAZY ICE CREAM

The Capitalists invite you to remember February this year. You will remember, Trump-Vance’s vicious ambush of Vlodymyr Zelensky in the Oval Office, and, more closely, Keir Starmer’s decision to increase defense spending at the expense of our international aid budget. The more avid financial news hounds among you may also remember the headlines surrounding Unilever’s decision to spin off its ice cream division (‘Unilever throws its weight behind London with £13bn ice cream float’ was one of the best attempts regarding the frozen wasteland). The London-listed consumer giant, it was confirmed, had chosen Amsterdam over the UK stock exchange for the initial listing of Magnum Ice Cream Company’s IPO, while London was forced to make do with a meager secondary listing.

So imagine our surprise when 10 months later, the not-so-new Minister for Cities, Lucy Rigby, used a poignant social media video – Magnum Classic in hand – to celebrate the company’s arrival in London. The IPO – combined with predecessors Shawbrook, Beauty Tech Group and Princes – is proof there is “real momentum behind London as a listing destination”, he told followers. Call us old-fashioned, but we, at The Capitalist, would prefer if our politicians chose not to celebrate the remaining IPOs bestowed upon us from the continent (although we approve of him using it as an excuse to indulge in a mid-December Magnum on government time).

CITY CHILDREN’S GIFT GUIDE

Your Christmas shopping isn’t finished yet? Have finances, friends, do you want to celebrate a special Christmas? Do not be afraid. Mansion House just launched its own line of merchandise, complete with portico-adorned golf shoe horns and compact rearview mirrors: something for everyone. The collection, which “takes inspiration from the elegance of Mansion House” has been designed to capture the “timeless beauty” of the civic landmark, meaning visitors to the City can ease the burden of being away from the Square Mile over the Christmas holidays by bringing a piece of it into their own home, or even curl up with a Mansion House doll in bed.